


I am here

by KadynE2025



Series: Angsty Criminal Minds. Should be read in order. [1]
Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Boys Kissing, Cutting, Depression, Life in general, M/M, established realationship, there is not enough coffee to go around
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-18 15:47:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28620537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KadynE2025/pseuds/KadynE2025
Summary: Derek finds out that Spencer has been cutting himself. Derek does everything he can to help his baby boy
Relationships: Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid
Series: Angsty Criminal Minds. Should be read in order. [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2126013
Comments: 17
Kudos: 50





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning: self-harm, self deprecation, depression. If you think these things might be too upsetting for you as a person, then please don't read. I don't want to be the reason anyone gets hurt/ hurts themselves.

**SPENCER REID**

I sit in the bathroom a razor blade in my hand, blood dripping from my wrist. I could have told Derek, but I didn't know what he would say. He doesn't seem to notice, or even care for that matter. 

"Pretty boy you about done in there? We're gonna be late." Derek yells through the door

I rinse the razor off and place it back under the sink. I pull on my shirt and cardigan, then walk out the door to find Derek sitting in the hallway.

"What's going on Spence? You seem upset. Is your mom okay?" He asks standing up

"Yah, she is fine. I'm just really tired."

This is the truth. I haven't been sleeping well the past month or so. Derek doesn't know this though, because when I wake up in the night I just go cut. After I cut I always feel so much better. I feel more relaxed and clam. I wish I could tell Derek, but he wouldn't care. He doesn't even really like me I'm sure. When he asked me out, he looked on edge as though he wasn't really sure about what he was doing. I have gotten so used to people giving me weird looks, calling me stupid names, asking me to do things for them, that when Derek calls me Pretty Boy it doesn't even phase me. 

"Hey... Spencer! Come on. You have to get out of the car. We are already 15 minutes late because you couldn't be bothered to hurry this morning!" Derek says unlocking the car door

"S-sorry..." Derek almost never yells at me, so I know that I have really messed up

As we walk into the conference room, JJ has just finished presenting the case and Hotch is telling everyone to get their go-bags.

"Where the hell have you two been?!" Hotch asks angrily

"I-I was running a little behind this morning. S-Sorry Hotch..."

"You two both know that when I call with a case I expect you to get here as soon as possible. If that means riding separately, so that at least one of you is here on time, then do that. Wheels up in 20."

I walk out of the conference room after Hotch and head straight to the bathroom. My skin itches. I need to cut again. I normally don't cut while I am at work, so that I don't get caught, but at the moment I really don't care. I slam the door on the stall and sit down on the floor. Even though I know how many germs are on a bathroom floor, I really don't care. I start heaving. I hate myself. I always mess things up. I got Derek yelled at. Hotch is mad at me. Derek is mad at me. I cut my wrists, digging the razor deeper and deeper into my skin. I hear the door creak open.

"Spencer... Spencer baby? What's wrong? Are you okay? Are you sick?" Derek asks through the stall door

"I-I... I'm fine..." I answer

"Open the door Spencer. You aren't fine. Let me help you sweetheart." 

I slowly unlock the door and Derek gasps. He kneels down beside me.

"Oh honey... What happened? D-did you do this..." He asks sadly

I lower my eyes and slowly nod my head. 

"I-I'm s-sorry Derek..." I whisper

"For what sweetie?"

"For making you late and getting you in trouble... I don't like making you mad."

"Oh Spence, I wasn't going to stay mad at you. Heck I came to apologize to for yelling at you. H-how long have you been doing this to yourself?"

I shrug. I know exactly how long this has been going on, but I don't want Derek to know. He may not act like he is disgusted, but he like everyone else, is absolutely disgusted by the ugly, thin, scared person I am. 

"We have to go, but we are going to talk about this. I can't let you keep doing this to yourself Pretty Boy." Derek says as though it's his fault I hate myself

Derek stands up. He helps me clean and bandage my arm, then we head to where Hotch and the team are waiting. I pull my cardigan closer to my thin frame. As the team discusses the case I stare out the window.

"Reid... Reid! Spencer?" I hear Emily say

"Hmm?"

"How many people live in Granville, Ohio?"

"Approximately 5,700." I answer

The team goes on with their discussion and I listen as best I can, but I can't focus on what they are saying. When the jet finally lands I grab my bag and head towards the SUV. Derek and I are supposed to go to the ME's office. I open the door and sit in the passenger seat, hoping that Derek won't want to talk about what happened this morning right now. He climbs in and gives me a small, sad, smile.


	2. Chapter 2

**SPENCER REID**

It is a long quiet ride to the ME's office. I can tell that he is trying to think of something to say, but he obviously doesn't know what to say to me. He doesn't want to talk to this disgusting, scared, child. I hate that he doesn't just say something. I wish he would tell me that I'm ugly, or stupid, or idiotic. I want him to tell me how horrible I am. I hate myself. I hate being alive. All I want to do is go home and die. 

"Spence? Are you ok?" Derek asks

"I'm fine... Let's just get this over with." I say opening the door and heading towards the building

After viewing the body and talking to the ME, we call Hotch and tell him what we found.

"Ok. You guys can go back to the hotel, and get settled. That's where the rest of us will be heading here soon." He says

Derek starts the car and we drive, in silence, to the hotel. As always we are rooming together, which means it will be harder to cut without him knowing. I'll find a way though, I always do. 

Once we have the key to our room we head upstairs. I can tell that Derek finally going to tell me how horrible I am. How stupid I am for doing something like this.

"You could have told me Spencer... I could have helped you. I want to help you, but I can't if you don't tell me what's going on. Please just talk to me baby..." Derek says

"I don't want to be a problem. I don't want to bother you with my issues." I answer truthfully

"I don't want you to bottle things up, I want to know when something is bothering you."

"All I am is a mess you don't want to fix. A mess that you can't fix. No matter how hard you try. I am a problem that nobody should have to deal with. Nobody should have to even think about me. You would all be better off without me. I am simply doing you all a favor. Now if you will excuse me, I am going to take a shower." I say trying to get around Derek

"Leave your bag."

"What?"

"Leave your bag, that way I know you aren't sitting in there cutting. If you want to cut, let me help you out of it. Cutting isn't your only option Spencer."

"Whatever." I drop my bag and go to the bathroom

Little does Derek know that I have a razor blade in my pocket. It is brand new, so it should cut quite nicely. I lock the door on my way in and turn on the shower. After stripping, I climb into the shower and begin my ritual of cuts. One cut for each time I messed up today. I messed up so much today, that I have to move to my other arm, that way my arm doesn't get to red. Hopefully Derek doesn't realize. Even if he does, he won't care.

Without realizing it, I cut much deeper than I normally would. Blood flows heavily out of my arm. It makes me feel better. It makes me calmer, knowing that I am fixing the mistakes I made throughout the day. 

"Spencer! Open the door! Come on sweetheart. Let me in please! Don't make me kick in the door sweetheart..." Derek yells though the door

I shut off the water, pull on the sweater I sleep in, clean up the bloody mess at the bottom of the tub. After finishing this I open the door and walk out calmly. Derek stares at me. I grab my bag and pull out my book. After climbing into bed and pulling the covers up as far as they will go, I read. Eventually Derek climbs into bed and falls asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry this is such a short chapter, but I had no ideas for this chapter. If you have ideas for something you want to see at some point just leave a comment. Hope you enjoyed!


	3. Chapter 3

**Spencer Reid**

"Spencer... Wake up honey. We are going to be late." Derek says shaking my shoulder

"You go ahead. I'll catch up..." I say with a yawn

"No I'll wait for you. Get up and get around, then we can leave together."

"I don't want to make you late again. And from the looks of it, you are already late. Just go Derek. I'll be down in like 5 minutes. No sense in you waiting."

I get out of the bed a grab my cardigan and jeans, hoping the Derek doesn't follow me to the bathroom. I want to start today out well. That means that I need to cut at least 5 times before I leave for work. Derek opens the hotel door and walks out into the hallway. I scurry to the bathroom, cut, get dressed, and brush my teeth. Then I rush down the stairs hoping the Hotch won't be too angry with me. If he is then... I guess I deserve it.

"Are you okay Spence? You seem upset..." JJ says when I reach the bottom of the stairs

"Yah I'm fine."

"Derek told us... We know Spence... Why didn't you tell us. We could have helped you." She says sadly

"I didn't tell anyone because I didn't want everyone to know. I thought that I could trust Derek not to tell anyone, even though I didn't tell him, he found out for himself."

"Pretty Boy calm down... You're going to make yourself sick." Derek says coming up beside me

"Why did you tell them. I thought that I could.... I thought... I can't anymore..." I say stepping back

"SPENCER!!" I hear JJ shout as I fall backwards

I feel strong hands grab me by the armpits. Hoisting me up into strong arms. I feel the sway of someone carrying me off. Then I don't feel anything...

* * *

I wake up hours later with a raging headache. I slowly open my eyes, and see Derek sitting next to me. When he notices that my eyes are open, he sits up and wraps his arms around me. He holds me. He sobs. Derek almost never cries, so now I know that I have really done something wrong.

"I thought that I lost you. I thought that you were really gone Spencer. I-I love you Spence and I never want to lose you. I know that you don't seem to think that you are worth it, but you are. You are so important and wonderful. And I don't want to live in a world were you don't exist." Derek says

"Oh my baby... Spencer are you okay?" Penelope asks from in front of my bed

"I'm fine." I answer hoping that I sound fine

"No you aren't. Stop lying to us Spence! We all want to help you. But we can't when you insist on lying to us." Hotch says gruffly from the other side of the room

"You don't understand. None of you do. You don't understand that everything I do, I do to please you. I want you to all be happy. And you would be much happier without me always getting in the way. You would be much happier if I wasn't here. Why won't you let me leave? I want to leave that way you can all have some piece and quiet." I answer angrily

"S-Spencer... None of us would be happier without you. Heck we can barely function without you. We had a take-down today and we were all completely lost without all of your random rambling. We all love you so much. I know that I wouldn't be able to raise Henry without you around. He wouldn't be happier if his Uncle Spence wasn't around." JJ says tearfully 

"And Jack loves you too. He is always asking when you are going to come read to him again. He says that when I read him bedtime stories I don't do the voices right, but you do." Hotch says

"Everyone needs you Spence. And we all want you here. C-can you just try... For us... For Henry and Jack... For Derek? Just let us help you Boy Wonder..." Penelope says

"Okay... I-I'll try, but I can't promise anything..." I answer quietly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short chapter... Kind of sad I guess. Hope you enjoyed.I just have no ideas anymore.Have a great day❤️❤️
> 
> Also if you have ideas or have things you want to see in the next chapter let me know!! I want you to all enjoy the story, but I'm not sure what everyone wants to see in a fic.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! This is the last chapter... I am going to make this into a series, because well... You'll see.

**SPENCER REID**

Waking up in a hospital bed is weird. First you wonder were you are, then when you realize you automatically regret everything you have done in the past 24 hours. Finally you make a slight noise in order to wake the person who is babysitting you.

"Hey... How are you feeling?" Derek asks sleepily

"I'm fine. I just need to go home."

"Well the doctors said that you have to stay here for at least another night, but after that I can take you home. I can take you home and take care of you."

"Derek. You don't seem to understand what I mean by home. When home, I mean Las Vegas. I'm going back to Las Vegas, to see my mom. I'm going to stay in my old house, and I'm not coming back. I thought that leaving all that behind would help me, but all it has done is made is worse."

"What? Y-you can't just leave. What about the team? What about your job? W-what about me?" Derek asks mournfully

"You and the team will be just fine. Hotch will find someone else to do my job. I can't stay here anymore. All I am doing is causing everyone problems. I'm not going to kill myself, I'm going home. I need to be with my mom. She hasn't been doing to well, and I think that if I am with her we will both do better. I don't think I can stay here anymore Derek. I love you, but I can't. You will find someone better. Someone who isn't as messed up as I am, and you will be happier. You won't have to worry all the time."

"Spencer..."

"I'm sorry Derek. Please leave. I don't want to hurt you anymore. Go tell the rest of the team. I promise I will call you guys all the time, but I can't stay here anymore."

"I love you Spencer. I love you so much, but if this is what you need I have to let you go. Call me. Everyday, I expect you to call me. If you need anything, tell me. I will find you and help you."

Derek slowly walks out the door with a sad look on his face. I know that he will soon find another man who he loves and he will be happy. I will find a new job in Las Vegas, see my mom more, and hopefully die quickly. I told Derek that I wouldn't kill myself but...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well. Here we are. The end of this fic. The end of Spencer and Derek's relationship... Or is it... I'm really not sure. 
> 
> I hope you liked this. I know that this was a really harsh ending. I am so sorry for the cliffhanger, but there will be another part. Thanks for reading


End file.
